You can’t win an argument by arguing!
You can’t win an argument by arguing and, in fact, nobody really wins an argument! One person, generally the more aggressive one, gets an agreement that the other party resents, whether that resentment is expressed or, more often, left to fester, and that’s the type of resentment that destroys friendships, partnerships, etc.
People under pressure react in one of two ways; they either withdraw or they become hostile, and a much higher percentage withdraws because the idea of conflict frightens them, and the fear of violence terrifies them. That’s why bullies get away with being bullies. Bullies have size and aggression on their side and they know that goes a long way. When you stand up to a bully, they will often back down but, even if they don’t and you get a few bruises in the process, they won’t try it again with you, especially so if you manage to hurt them.
In an argument, tempers flare up, blood boils and things are said, in the heat of the moment, that are not really meant but are very difficult to take back, especially when they are personal attacks.
We, as humans, often take the approach that “It’s all about me.” But it isn’t; in fact, it is rarely about you. Life throws us all curveballs all of the time and, often those things have a very negative effect on our mental state at the time and, as humans, we feel attacked and are intent on defending ourselves but we do so without ever stopping long enough to say to ourself “This is out of character for this person to behave in this way. What is going on?”
Take, for example, somebody that you don’t know or have never met, lashing out at you in public. Yes, you can immediately dismiss that person as being rude and move past it, but if you took the opposite approach and said “Since we don’t know each other, you are obviously having a really bad day. Would it help to talk about it?”, I think you would be amazed at what happens, which is generally, one of two things. The first is they suddenly realize how rude they’ve been and apologize profusely. This is a great result for two reasons; one you’ve discovered that it wasn’t about you and have received an apology, but more importantly; that person has shifted out of the hostile, angry mode that they were in and their day can get better.
The second result is that they will apologize and take you up on your offer to ‘get it off their chest’. Now, some of you reading this will say “But I don’t have the time to listen to every sob story in the world”, and you would be right in that, but part of being a decent human is to try and help others. It also gets paid forward and, if enough people start to do it, eventually someone will want to listen to your sob story, and you are going to have a few of those; that’s a guarantee.
Now, of course, there are people who are flat out rude and all one can do is feel sorry for them because their lives are horrible. I had an aunt like that and she drove everybody away. Eventually she died, alone and miserable, but she was so full of hate that she left all of her money to a 12 year old grand nephew with two sisters and it tore that family apart because he wouldn’t share it; and she knew exactly what would happen. People like her live in a special kind of hell and nobody misses them.
A common cause of arguments are in divorces. Both parties feel aggrieved, for a variety of different reasons, and lash out at the other. Guess what; the only people who win in those situations are the ‘paid advisors’ and their interests are not in resolving a conflict but extending it. What divorcing couples need to do is put aside their grievances and remember that they were once in love. Just because you have fallen out of love is no reason to forget that you once were and, if you can remember that, you may well be able to move forward and settle things amicably.
So the next time, you are faced with an angry person, do not respond with anger and yes, that is within your control, because the only person who can make you angry is you. Let me repeat that because it is vitally important that you understand it.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MAKE YOU ANGRY IS YOU!
If you decide not to become angry, then you won’t. It is as simple as that. Remember that an obvious manifestation of anger is yelling as if the volume of your voice will provoke a positive response. It won’t. Those who are in the habit of yelling at people are, fundamentally, bullies who just want to get their own way, and bullies are, at heart, insecure cowards with very low self-esteem.
Instead respond with calmness, for example say “I’m sorry you feel this way but let’s talk about it. It can’t be as bad as you think it is.” Then wait for a response, but be listening intently to what the other person is saying to you. If you are simply thinking about what you are going to say next, then you won’t get anywhere or resolve anything because people want to be listened to and heard and they will know, by your response, that you hadn’t done either.
The other huge advantage by taking this approach is that the other person will, very quickly, calm down and move into a state of mind conducive to a conversation that will resolve issues. Anger requires anger to feed and when anger is met with calmness, anger dissipates; it cannot be otherwise.
To summarize, stay calm and listen. You will very quickly get to the heart of the problem and then be able to find a resolution that is acceptable to both parties. No, we are not always going to get what we want or think we deserve, but isn’t it better to get something that we can live with? Much of the underlying way we live today is “ I can only win if you lose.” But why can’t everybody win? If you push ego aside, everybody can.
We all have different points of view and some of them are so entrenched that we will defend them to the death, or a close proximity, but that really gets us nowhere. What gets us somewhere is to be willing to listen to that other point of view and be willing to talk about it, without rancor or hostility. At the end of the discussion, you may not have changed your beliefs but, at least, you’re retaining them with your eyes being open instead of being closed shut with denial.
Think of an argument as a fight with one person always trying to win. Take two very different martial arts, Karate & Aikido. Karate is aggressive and both parties are likely to get injured. Aikido relies entirely on defense and deflection and the person being attacked is not trying to hurt the other person, although that does often happen, but merely wear the attacker out.
Karate is an argument; Aikido is a discussion.
By the way, this approach doesn’t always have to be in the ‘now’. Have you had a very close friend that you’ve fallen out with and don’t talk to any more? If you regret that, what would be the harm of calling that person and saying “I know we haven’t talked in a long time and I’m sad about that. Can we talk?” That talk is to find out what caused the argument or, if you caused it, for you to admit that and apologize. We are not weakened or weak for having good manners or compassion or the courage to admit when we are wrong; we are made stronger.
Michael Rocharde, February 8, 2021
